It’s late in the evening here on Day 14, all the lights are off and I’ve been listening to some beautiful music. It’s the type of music that when you’re listening, it begins to move you in a way that you feel like it’s undressing your soul with warm hands. You start cycling through the beautiful images in your mind, the scenes are like movie scenes as they begin to feel so real. The type of music that almost stops time for you. With my eyes closed as that music played, I began to feel like I was missing a lover, and that lover was bottomless glass of red wine.
When I closed my eyes I could see myself in a dimly lit hipster cafe, with high ceilings, and rustic looking plank board floors, flickering candles on tables for two a handful of other patrons and a couple of earthy looking Barista’s supplementing their college fund. I was there listening to the music alone with my faceless and heartless lover. It was always you alcohol, looking back at me, warming me, filling me with beautiful reflection and a sense of fufillment. The folk style string music background, and the accompanying raw but emotional vocals, amazing.
That’s what I saw when I closed my eyes, that’s what I heard, and felt. It took me back and I missed it.
What exactly did I miss? The scene felt so good, but it made me miss drinking. Of everything that felt right about that late night day dream, I missed drinking. I loved it, drinking that is, but it’s starting to make some more sense now. Laying here in the dark, sober and clear, I’ve realized alcohol, that you were my unrequited love. I loved you, but why? You never really loved me back. I would do anything for you. You would never do anything for me. I made excuses for you all the time. You never once came to my defence. I missed things that were important to my family for you. I got in trouble by being with you. You made me sick. I made choices I never would have made if I wasn’t with you and for what? I loved you.
Yes, I loved you. All those times I thought you were there for me, you were just there. All those time I thought that you made me feel so much better about myself, it was only because you made me feel so awful before. All those times I thought you were there for me when I felt lonely, I never felt lonelier.
I loved you, but you never loved me back. Our relationship wasn’t healthy. I let you hurt me, and I hurt the people that really care about me. You never got hurt, and I know for certain that you don’t miss me. Our tale of unrequited love is not unique, but you are not for everyone and I can accept that. I can accept it because I know you are not for me.
Without you, the music in the dimly lit room will still play, the candles will still flicker, and the company I choose to keep, will be company that knows how to love. One might say that its unfortunate you’ll always be a part of my life. I can’t change that, and not that you care, but know this,
I don’t love you anymore……